we're still fighting it

let the sun fall down over me

2008-07-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

I am drinking cold water. It always tastes sweeter in a water bottle.

Today I went to the Shedd Aquarium.

Sea Otters are the greatest part of the Earth.

I want to live in Chicago. I love being here, even though my grandmother is the most obnoxious person in my life. I really hate going on vacation with her. She's a gossiping, mean, shallow, lazy woman who I really don't want to do anything. She assumes because she spends thousands of dollars on my brother and I that we have to love her. It's easier to love her when you don't have to spend 24/7 with her.

Anyways.

Chicago. Beautiful. Perfect.

;]

i am human/am i human

2008-07-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

sometimes I lie to remind myself I'm human
but it never is enough

sometimes I scream to remind myself I'm human
but it hardly is enough

sometimes I lie in bed naked to remind myself I'm human
but it's really not enough

sometimes I hurt other people to remind myself I'm human
but it sometimes isn't enough

sometimes I suck on my arm until
all the blood pools under my skin

it
usually
is
enough

why is the human race eternally
fucked
up
?

distance

2008-07-29T13:51:00.001-07:00

My boyfriend is so far away.

Some days its harder than others. Some days it seems everyone has a boyfriend. I see the hand holding, the little looks, the embraces, the pure joy that only proximity brings. The countless conversations one holds without any words. The things you miss when you don't see someone for months and months at a time.

The intelligent thing to do would be find someone who lives here, right?

What to do when no one compares to the way Charlie makes me feel? Nothing is better, nothing is sweeter, he is my bliss. Even if this is just infatuation (which, after 2.7 years, I severely doubt it's just that), I am confident enough to say that he is one of the deepest friendships I've ever had. If this isn't love, I'm not sure it could get any better. He and I, we're closer than family. He deeply understands me and I him. Separately, we are two kids. But the magic we make when we're together - I can't just give it up.

Nothing will change, so the most I can do it try to find someone here, someone else.

It gets so lonely sometimes.

poetry

2008-07-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

"intoxicated on the way you sound"

the moment i saw you
a familiar song filled the air

your voice, a warm concave
your eyes felt like so much home

when you spoke to me, i shook
when you laughed my knees felt weak

our moment was over
you turned left, and i turned right

you forgot about me as the day ended
but your face never left my mind

even after days and nights
our familiar song prevailed

now i see you again
nervous eye contact was made

the corners of my mouth give way
and you acknowledged with your eyes

you're always there
i just want you for my own

"ashes to ashes, we’re all knocked up!"

hopeless thoughts all around us
we're all drowning in doubt
in a sea of regret
i'm fucking praying for drought

in the sky i see lies
towards the ground are our dreams
as the rain falls fast, hard
open wide, see the scene:

drunken parties and sex
who kissed who?
who's the worst?

and we all cry far too much
your failure isn't a first

in a world that's desensitzed
we're just ants in a row
in our worlds we're the kings and the queens
our titles aren't just for show

in the sky i see lies
towards the ground are our dreams
as the rain falls fast, hard
open wide, see the scene:

those awful liars and fakes!
you're one of them,
you're the worst!

he said, "i drink far too much
and you're not quite my first"

so in this world of disgrace
is there any hope of a life
when you don't have to lie
when they don't stop to scoff

i want your eyes on the prize
set yourself straight
i want you to set yourself straight

try again
just for

me

It has been ages.

2008-07-26T17:26:00.001-07:00

I am a junior in high school. The year of commitment, the year of new upperclassmenship, the year of college applications.

I am still in the same old problem, the same old relationship. The stupid, worn down, sick relationship that sticks to my lungs like cigarette smoke. When we can get out of something, we never want to. But when we want to, we can't.

I want out. But I can't forget you.

Dear Biggest Mistake Of My Life,

2008-03-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

You know, you really ruined my life, in several aspects. You represented all the temptation and evil in the world, the taboo. And I ate you up like a dieter eats ice cream. Through all the obnoxious arrogance and contrived words you spewed every time we talked, you sure made an impression on me. In layman's terms: you're a dick.

But, despite all the terrible memories I have with you, I do have more than one really great memory. I laughed a lot when we were together, and you were the biggest life lesson I could ever asked for. You showed me what NOT to do, and in some weird way, I thank you for that. If I think back to the countless inside jokes we had, or the freedom I felt when we went on that road trip, I hate to admit it, but I smile. Amongst all the terrible events and poor judgment, there were moments when you did make me happy, even if just for that moment.

I think you're a truly misguided person. Either that, or you really are evil, which I doubt. I think you don' t know what you can and can't do to a person, and that's not okay, but it doesn't make me hate you. What I do hate is how long it took me to get over you. Trust me, it took way too long to stop getting butterflies whenever we talked.

Basically what I'm saying is this: It's easy to look back at all the bad that you caused (and continue to cause) but when I do think back to the fun we managed to have, it makes me happy.

You're a jerk, and I'd like you to fuck off.
But I hope you fuck off to find a nice (monogamous and legal) relationship with someone you can 100% care about.
I think you could make that person really happy.

my teeth grind names into their ivory membranes

2008-03-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's much more fun to look at the world artistically. Walking down the halls at school would be a lot more interesting if you imagine that everything is made of clay.

Sometimes I play this game where I take 200 steps to get to each class. Sometimes I get it perfectly, other times I have to take really big steps at the end.

I've been having really nice days lately. I think I let something go. Or maybe I learned something new. One way or another, it's as if the box I have around my eyes has been opened a little bit more, and I can see better. It's refreshing and exciting. I'm a generally nicer person. I changed shampoo brands. I'm wearing my glasses full time. I'm actually doing homework.

Here's a secret:
As fun as it is for me to play the tortured artist, it's really nice to be happy sometimes.

I always like the secular aspect of Easter. Maybe I just like bunnies.

2008-03-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a letter to a friend. It's not so much a letter as a list. I really hope that it is appreciated as much as I would appreciate it if I were on the receiving end.

I have a lot of things that are going on in my life. Most of them are frustrating, and most of them are too complicated to talk out. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and it never gets any better. I used to have really spiritual talks with people but either those people faded, or my spirituality faded.

I've never been religious. But I have been spiritual since I was very young. My "code of conduct" if you will is about spirituality without religion. I am a Unitarian Universalist, and the general reaction I get when I tell people such is either "Pardon?" or "Gesundheit!"

The Unitarian Universalism Church is pretty loose as far as it's "requirements" for it's followers. We are taught the Seven Principles; it is our equivalent to the Ten Commandments.

1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person
2. Justice, equality and compassion in human relations
3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregation
4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Seven has always been my favorite. I really do believe that everyone exists as a part of everything else. Even my starkly humanistic father stands firm behind that belief. Because of the tolerance that is built into the church, there are UUs of all different backgrounds, creeds, lifestyles, and opinions.

I find it very interesting and exciting, and I'm really proud to be a UU. I think a lot of us are misunderstood; our church has been called a Gay church because we recently became a "Welcoming Congregation", which happily allows people of ALL lifestyles (gays, straights, transgender, none of the above) to worship. I hate how we are looked down upon as liberal hippies or gay lovers. We are a church that does not judge anyone. We allow anyone in, no matter if they are liberal or conservative, gay or straight, Christian or Pagan, athiestic or monotheistic or polytheistic, black, white, blonde, brunette, pro-war, anti-war, pro-choice, pro-life, the only prerequisite for Unitarian Universalism is to be open minded.

I'm not trying to sell my church to anyone, or try and convert you to believe what I believe, but if you ever feel like checking this out, just contact me.

http://www.harboruu.org/ is the website for our church, and you're welcome any day. We're a small church, but we try hard to make visitors welcome.

you've heard this shit before

2008-03-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm always so upset after we say goodbye. I don't know what causes it, but sometimes I start to weep. It's not that unusual for me to cry, but I usually have a clear cut reason. I guess it's the feeling I get when you leave. It's a mixture between rejection and replacement. Like you're off to do something more important than I am. I know that if I ever told you this, you'd just take it in stride. Because I've said things like this many times.

I'm constantly worrying if you're okay or not. I'm so dependent on you. I'm getting better, but I'm a work in progress. I know that I've overused every letter and spoken the same words and tired out all the rhythms. And this is just another rant of feelings that will just be ignored. Scanned and labeled: "another guilt trip" I don't try to make you feel bad.

But I've found that telling you how I feel doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel worse, actually. Because all you do is give me half sympathetic "mmms" and tell me not to worry so much. Or you diverge from the subject all together, and start telling me about something that you did earlier, or a funny joke you told. And that doesn't reassure me. But I don't think it's just reassurance I want. I think it's commitment. But I don't think you'll ever be physically able to fulfill what I want. But I feel like you're the only person that will get close.

I don't know how you feel about this, because you never tell me. Just as I've tired out "I feel like..." you've said "I don't know" too many times to count. And it's been too long for you not to know. You must know by now. And I can't keep going at this if there isn't a reason. Give me a reason to keep trying and crying and lying to myself.

Isn't it funny how those three words rhyme? It's like the universe wants you to know.

I wish you knew.

I'm still making errors.

2008-03-22T08:52:00.001-07:00

I realized how much of a mistake I made the beginning of this year.

I started off around all these new people. I guess I had never figured that a new freshman class would bring prospective new friends.

I met these new friends the first day of school, and I quickly fell in love with them. For once, I had a group of friends that all really liked being around each other. I was crazy about them, and put them all on a pedestal.

But, as if you couldn't foresee, as quickly as I became close to them, I realized they aren't perfect. Their flaws were more apparent than ever because I had assumed they didn't have any. I went from a group of four really close friends to a group of people who tolerated each other because that's what we used to be. I had completely shut out certain people, and refused to even get to know some because of the influence of this group of friends.

They completely changed my opinions on a lot of things. I gave people a lot of shit for nothing, and I really regret it. I remember thinking in my head, towards the beginning of this whole debacle, "These girls are so great. I can't imagine ever fighting with them" and I think that was my biggest error of all. I made the mistake of telling myself they could do no wrong, so when they DID do wrong (like every human being does) I was beside myself.

Now I have to remember to tell myself not to jump into relationships. It only leads to fights. It's not that I don't have friends - It's that I misjudged a lot of people, and I would really do anything to have a do-over. But I can't.

So, I guess, if you're reading this, I'm asking you to give me some slack if I attempt to change the kind of friendship we have. I'm going to try and go back and befriends those who I refused to befriend, and pull away from those who I put on a pedestal.

I really just want to know the people I spend my time with, inside and out.

the only poem I've written that rhymes:

2008-03-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

my throat is tight
my eyelids weak
thoughts of our joy,
our final peak

they fill my head
and i feel cheap
as i sit through your attempt,
your half-hearted speech

those fights, they made me sick
and now i'm alone to sit
because you left it all to me
to go through all this lonely shit

but anger is fleeting
and sunny days inspire
when there's laughter to be had
and an object to admire

still, i'll wait for you
until the goddamn end
though my current point of view
you may not comprehend

the bottom line is
(and all you really need to see)
that i forever will and still
care for you more than you could dream

I wrote this earlier this month. I guess it's about love and stuff.

...and we all have a hell

2008-03-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Today was odd. I absolutely hate when there are two exact opposite emotions going on inside of you. It's like a raging war, and it totally ruins my chill. Today, I was very happy some moments, and very frustrated others.

But there was a moment that made my day very good. Let's just say there is this person. And this person makes my stomach feel fluttery. I guess that means I have a crush?

And this person happens to make me feel very happy.

I have blog A.D.D.

2008-03-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dear infinite blog-iverse,

Well, this might possibly be my forty-second attempt at creating a blog to house all my most inner thoughts. All those blogs faded out, eventually. In fact, only one really "succeeded" as a blog, and that was my second Xanga site. I think the problem is constantly feel like I need new things, like I need to find a new way to express myself. That and, I'm always changing the way I write. I think first posts that talk about the kind of person the blogger is are cheesy (an attribute that belonged to most all of my previous blogs, might I add!) so I guess I'll just type words until they make so little sense that I won't be able to understand myself when I look back on this in a few months. I spend most of my free time on MySpace, but I really like the idea of a blog like this. So I'm going to really give it a go. List time!

Some things I have in my life:

That person who you can hold entire conversations with without saying a word.
That person who just plain out "gets" you.
That person who, no matter how many times you fight and say awful, horrid things about each other, and stab repeatedly in the back, still feels right.
That person who doesn't know you exist, but you still feel like you know them.
That person who makes you fall in love for the first time, and makes your life never seem the same again.
A really awesome mp3 player.
A quite loving family.
CATS WHO I AM ABSOLUTELY AM HEAD OVER HEELS FOR! (I am a crazy cat lady)

Some things I'd like in my life:

A turtle, a snake, and a lizard.
That person who hugs you all the time, for no reason. Just because they like you.
A cute boy with curly brown hair.
That person who everyone says, "Oh, that's just Caitlin and ________. They go everywhere together."

Then again -
I've always wanted that intense relationship/friendship, and expected nothing less. Truth is, best friends are fun, but ultimately unhealthy. Spending all your time with one person just isn't how you're supposed to function. And I, amongst many other social flaws, prefer to put all of my energy into one single friendship, instead of distributing it. I'm protective, jealous, and extremely clingy. I feel the need for constant reassurance, and I almost always come on too strong. Of course, I'm not bragging about this. I'm working really hard on changing it.

Wait 'til you hear the epic saga of how I pushed the greatest person I could ever have away.

But that's a story for another day.

Love,
Caitlin M. Willson