you've heard this shit before

I'm always so upset after we say goodbye. I don't know what causes it, but sometimes I start to weep. It's not that unusual for me to cry, but I usually have a clear cut reason. I guess it's the feeling I get when you leave. It's a mixture between rejection and replacement. Like you're off to do something more important than I am. I know that if I ever told you this, you'd just take it in stride. Because I've said things like this many times.

I'm constantly worrying if you're okay or not. I'm so dependent on you. I'm getting better, but I'm a work in progress. I know that I've overused every letter and spoken the same words and tired out all the rhythms. And this is just another rant of feelings that will just be ignored. Scanned and labeled: "another guilt trip" I don't try to make you feel bad.

But I've found that telling you how I feel doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel worse, actually. Because all you do is give me half sympathetic "mmms" and tell me not to worry so much. Or you diverge from the subject all together, and start telling me about something that you did earlier, or a funny joke you told. And that doesn't reassure me. But I don't think it's just reassurance I want. I think it's commitment. But I don't think you'll ever be physically able to fulfill what I want. But I feel like you're the only person that will get close.

I don't know how you feel about this, because you never tell me. Just as I've tired out "I feel like..." you've said "I don't know" too many times to count. And it's been too long for you not to know. You must know by now. And I can't keep going at this if there isn't a reason. Give me a reason to keep trying and crying and lying to myself.

Isn't it funny how those three words rhyme? It's like the universe wants you to know.

I wish you knew.