let the sun fall down over me

I am drinking cold water. It always tastes sweeter in a water bottle.

Today I went to the Shedd Aquarium.



Sea Otters are the greatest part of the Earth.

I want to live in Chicago. I love being here, even though my grandmother is the most obnoxious person in my life. I really hate going on vacation with her. She's a gossiping, mean, shallow, lazy woman who I really don't want to do anything. She assumes because she spends thousands of dollars on my brother and I that we have to love her. It's easier to love her when you don't have to spend 24/7 with her.

Anyways.

Chicago. Beautiful. Perfect.

;]

i am human/am i human

sometimes I lie to remind myself I'm human
but it never is enough

sometimes I scream to remind myself I'm human
but it hardly is enough

sometimes I lie in bed naked to remind myself I'm human
but it's really not enough

sometimes I hurt other people to remind myself I'm human
but it sometimes isn't enough

sometimes I suck on my arm until
all the blood pools under my skin

it
usually
is
enough





why is the human race eternally
fucked
up
?

distance

My boyfriend is so far away.

Some days its harder than others. Some days it seems everyone has a boyfriend. I see the hand holding, the little looks, the embraces, the pure joy that only proximity brings. The countless conversations one holds without any words. The things you miss when you don't see someone for months and months at a time.

The intelligent thing to do would be find someone who lives here, right?

What to do when no one compares to the way Charlie makes me feel? Nothing is better, nothing is sweeter, he is my bliss. Even if this is just infatuation (which, after 2.7 years, I severely doubt it's just that), I am confident enough to say that he is one of the deepest friendships I've ever had. If this isn't love, I'm not sure it could get any better. He and I, we're closer than family. He deeply understands me and I him. Separately, we are two kids. But the magic we make when we're together - I can't just give it up.

Nothing will change, so the most I can do it try to find someone here, someone else.

It gets so lonely sometimes.

poetry

"intoxicated on the way you sound" the moment i saw you a familiar song filled the air your voice, a warm concave your eyes felt like so much home when you spoke to me, i shook when you laughed my knees felt weak our moment was over you turned left, and i turned right you forgot about me as the day ended but your face never left my mind even after days and nights our familiar song prevailed now i see you again nervous eye contact was made the corners of my mouth give way and you acknowledged with your eyes you're always there i just want you for my own

"ashes to ashes, we’re all knocked up!" hopeless thoughts all around us we're all drowning in doubt in a sea of regret i'm fucking praying for drought in the sky i see lies towards the ground are our dreams as the rain falls fast, hard open wide, see the scene: drunken parties and sex who kissed who? who's the worst? and we all cry far too much your failure isn't a first in a world that's desensitzed we're just ants in a row in our worlds we're the kings and the queens our titles aren't just for show in the sky i see lies towards the ground are our dreams as the rain falls fast, hard open wide, see the scene: those awful liars and fakes! you're one of them, you're the worst! he said, "i drink far too much and you're not quite my first" so in this world of disgrace is there any hope of a life when you don't have to lie when they don't stop to scoff i want your eyes on the prize set yourself straight i want you to set yourself straight try again just for me

It has been ages.

I am a junior in high school. The year of commitment, the year of new upperclassmenship, the year of college applications.

I am still in the same old problem, the same old relationship. The stupid, worn down, sick relationship that sticks to my lungs like cigarette smoke. When we can get out of something, we never want to. But when we want to, we can't.

I want out. But I can't forget you.

Dear Biggest Mistake Of My Life,

You know, you really ruined my life, in several aspects. You represented all the temptation and evil in the world, the taboo. And I ate you up like a dieter eats ice cream. Through all the obnoxious arrogance and contrived words you spewed every time we talked, you sure made an impression on me. In layman's terms: you're a dick.

But, despite all the terrible memories I have with you, I do have more than one really great memory. I laughed a lot when we were together, and you were the biggest life lesson I could ever asked for. You showed me what NOT to do, and in some weird way, I thank you for that. If I think back to the countless inside jokes we had, or the freedom I felt when we went on that road trip, I hate to admit it, but I smile. Amongst all the terrible events and poor judgment, there were moments when you did make me happy, even if just for that moment.

I think you're a truly misguided person. Either that, or you really are evil, which I doubt. I think you don' t know what you can and can't do to a person, and that's not okay, but it doesn't make me hate you. What I do hate is how long it took me to get over you. Trust me, it took way too long to stop getting butterflies whenever we talked.

Basically what I'm saying is this: It's easy to look back at all the bad that you caused (and continue to cause) but when I do think back to the fun we managed to have, it makes me happy.

You're a jerk, and I'd like you to fuck off.
But I hope you fuck off to find a nice (monogamous and legal) relationship with someone you can 100% care about.
I think you could make that person really happy.

my teeth grind names into their ivory membranes

It's much more fun to look at the world artistically. Walking down the halls at school would be a lot more interesting if you imagine that everything is made of clay.

Sometimes I play this game where I take 200 steps to get to each class. Sometimes I get it perfectly, other times I have to take really big steps at the end.

I've been having really nice days lately. I think I let something go. Or maybe I learned something new. One way or another, it's as if the box I have around my eyes has been opened a little bit more, and I can see better. It's refreshing and exciting. I'm a generally nicer person. I changed shampoo brands. I'm wearing my glasses full time. I'm actually doing homework.

Here's a secret:
As fun as it is for me to play the tortured artist, it's really nice to be happy sometimes.